Things to Say

A writing project

quietactions:

You had a shitty day,
(that would qualify as better
than many peoples’ best)
so you come home
and drink a beer or 7
and listen to some melancholy music
and you try to tell your head
your heart felt alive this morning.
But you shut down when he left
at 1
and he was right,
you can’t do it on your own.
You’re making everyone else
hold you up.

quietactions:

I wear a charm
with the initial of my sister.
I bear a scar
no one was around to stop me from making.
I have 200 freckles on the side of my face,
that a lover once counted.
There is a yellow bruise on my breast
I don’t remember getting.

You left two months ago
and my body doesn’t miss you.

quietactions:

I got bored
and sad
so I painted my face
but I was still lonely
when I looked in the mirror.

I tried to smoke
the melancholy away.
But the smoke only helped it
to get stuck in my lungs.

The drugs
were supposed to
gut out the decaying parts
of my wretched soul.
But I am the body
they open for surgery
and find there is too much cancer
for cleansing
to make any difference.

quietactions:

I’ve given you
all of my second chances.
I don’t have any forgiveness
left for myself.

Everything about you was spring.

Closing statements

300 mg a day (a conversation with myself)

quietactions:

I’m sick.

Are you?

I wanted to die two months ago
and I couldn’t let go of the thought
and the scars on my arm won’t let me forget it.

We all get down.
We all get bad.
This world is fucked up
and it’s okay to not want a part of it.

What about the times
I can’t slow down?
When I have no filter
when I believe I am better
than everyone else?

We all get a little cocky sometimes.

But then there’s the times
I believe it’s all my fault
it’s all within my power
and I failed.
I am bad.

You can learn
not to blame yourself.
We all have lessons to learn.

They told me that I am sick
6 years ago
and things have gotten better
since the meds.

You don’t know who you are without them
or what they’ve done to you.
Don’t you know we all have ups and downs
that we all feel crazy sometimes?
Bipolar is just a name they gave your personality
and everyone has one of those
whether it can be found in a textbook
or not.

I can’t go off my meds
without a doctor’s permission
but I don’t have one of those right now.
I slipped through the cracks.
And I can’t sleep without the pills
anymore.

You will learn.
We all learn.
It’s your god damn body
and your god damn life.
There’s no cure for being who you are
and you’ve got to stop looking for one.

A goodbye poem

quietactions:

There’s a lot
that you gave me.
Like how you started my life
over again, when I believed
there would always be a piece of me
that was dead.
And how you showed me
there is no end to the number of things
you can love about a person,
how there will never stop being new ones.

You taught me
that sometimes taking care of a person
looks like dragging them up the hill
they refuse to climb and kissing clean
their wounds until they are ready
to do it for themselves.

You gave me back my ability
to love myself when you loved
me through my episodes
holding my head to your chest
until the demons passed
and when I tried to apologize
for their coming at all
you would only tell me
you loved me.

But mostly,
you showed me what bravery
looks like.
That most times it doesn’t look like a prince,
but like a man who breaks his hands
to free them from their shackles
and other times
it looks like watching a peacock
unfurl it’s feathers.

If I am any kind of strong
it is because you carried my weight
long enough for me to remember
I was strong enough to hold it.
They say a soul mate
is someone that makes you grow
and I think it’s true.
This is me saying just because
you couldn’t love me the way I needed
doesn’t mean you didn’t love me
better than I have ever been loved.

quietactions:

If you spend one night drunk on wine,
you will become a prophet.

Spend ten minutes in love,
and you will become a fool.